Winning the Heart of the Temperamental Lily Evans
by pUnKyRoCkEr
Summary: James Potter a.k.a The Balloon-Headed Git is trying to win Lily's heart. Along with friends who are convinced they're French, losing dignity to world-class slappers and Herman the dooster, maybe he'll realize that he only had to pop his head. Or not.
1. The Great Kangaroo Black

DISCLAMER: oh, this is J.K Rowling's playground, and I'm just hanging out, oh but I'll be so shocked if you readers haven't already realized thaaaaaaaat. (Sung to the tune of the Hogwarts' sorting hat song First Year.)

**Chapter one**

**The Great Kangaroo Black**

"PROOOOOOOOOONGS! WAKE UP YOU MESSY HAIRED FREAK! IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS! YOU'VE **GOT** TO STOP MUMBLING ABOUT LILY IN YOUR DREAMS!"

James Potter groaned and rolled over onto his back. "Waz' 'oing on?" he said groggily.

He slowly opened his eyes and blinked a couple times rapidly, trying to get something that was jumping up and down on his bed into focus.

"Remus! Why's there a crazy kangaroo in our room?"

Remus looked up from his Standard Book of Spells, Grade 7.

"Um, James, there's no kangaroo in our bedroom." Sounding genuinely worried about James' health.

He groaned then reached for his bedside table for his glasses. He shoved them on, and Sirius face came into view just as he jumped a little too high and hit his head on the roof of the four poster bed.

"OUCH!"

"Oh! It's you Padfoot! Sorry mate, I mistook you for a kangaroo!"

Sirius just stood there, a look of shock on his face.

"You….thought…..me…..kangaroo?"

His eyes went wide, and then he launched himself out of James' bed and into Remus's.

"Moony! Do something! How can Prongsie mistake me, Sirius Black sexiest of the Marauders and most sought after by girls, for a KANGAROO?"

"Probably because you jump up and down exactly like one and James has terrible eyesight." Remus said lazily, flipping a page of his book.

"HEY! I'm the most sought after by girls!" the retort came from James

"NO YOU'RE NOT! And I do NOT jump up and down like a kangaroo!" turning on Remus.

"Whatever you say Padfoot."

"YES I AM! I'm the Quidditch Captain, Head Boy, girls love to touch my hair and I wear GLASSES!" James was pretending Remus had never spoken.

"So? I'm Sirius Black! And that means one thing! I'm SEXY! And my hair doesn't stand up in every direction like a PORCUPINE'S, its SMOOTH! And what does wearing glasses have anything to do with it?"

"It has everything to do with it! Without them I'm NORMAL! They make me look…UNIQUE! That's it! Unique!"

"Yeah, great comeback Prongs. _Unique._ Prongsie, you little_ UNIQUE_ stag. Go and chase after your UNIQUE doe. Oh wait! She doesn't exist!"

"Oh yeah? Well at least I'm not CRAZY! I'm not the one who jumps up and down on a bed looking like some 6 year old who just realized he gets a birthday six times a year!"

"Yeah 'cause you're not crazy at all Prongs. Mumbling 'Oh Lily' every night in your sleep. That totally proves that you're LESS than crazy." Sirius shot back sarcastically.

James blushed and opened his mouth to say something back but Remus got there before him.

"Okay you two, just SHUT IT! Neither of you are the sexiest, I AM! So there. Happy? You have nothing to fight over."

James and Sirius looked at each other.

"Should we be proud of him, or should we just drop dead in shock?" Sirius whispered.

"Drop dead!"

They pretended to faint and fell over backwards, both hitting the ground with a large THUMP!

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN! Can't you guys ever keep quiet?"

Peter had woken.

"OH MY INOCENT EYES! Peter put some pants on!" James screamed covering his eyes.

"Yeah James, because your eyes are sooooooooooo innocent."Peter rolled his eyes and covered himself with his blanket anyways.

"WORMY!" Sirius squealed as he ran over to Peter's bed and tackled him into a bear hug. "YOU can be my bestest friend. As James is too busy mistaking me for _kangaroos _and claiming that he's the sexiestand Remus is too busy thinking HE'S the sexiest and cramming stuff into his head that he already knows, so now YOU'RE at the top of my bestest friends list!"

"Um, what's going on?" Peter looked slightly shocked at Sirius's behavior even though he'd been living with him for more than six years.

"Prongs woke up to see Sirius jumping up and down on his bed and thought it was a kangaroo because he didn't have his glasses on and Sirius got offended and came to me, and I told him that he jumps up and down like one, and he got offended_ again_ and then he and then he and James had a heated discussion about who's the sexiest and then I told them that I'm the sexiest and then they both dropped dead and that's when you woke up." Remus said matter-of-a-factly.

"You forgot the part where I hit my head!" Sirius yelled gleefully. "You FORGOT something Moonykins! Remus FORGOT something! He FORGOT a fact! He failed to remeb-"

"SHUT UP SIRIUS!" The Marauders shouted at their fourth member.

"Fine. Maybe I don't need you guys. Maybe, maybe, I need….FRANK!" He huffed.

This time, Sirius ran at the last un-jumped by Sirius bed, and jumped on the body of Frank Longbottom, who woke up and screamed, tossing Sirius backwards on the floor.

"BLOODY HELL Sirius! What was that for?"

"Frankie!" Sirius scrambled off the floor and leaned in so close that their noses were almost touching. "I'm the sexiest right? Say yes! Say YES! So you can be my bestest friend. These tossers are being mean. So will you? Will you? Huh? Huh? HUH?"

Frank looked really scared right then. Although he wasn't a Marauder, he was very good friends with them, probably because they shared a dormitory with each other since they were first years.

"Sirius, how much chocolate left over from Christmas did you eat?" Remus was checking under Sirius's mattress, which was where he usually kept his secret stash of chocolate. Well, secret stash of chocolate that everyone knew about.

"WHAT? I didn't eat any chocolate!"

"Oh really? Are you sure? Because the last time I checked there were at least twenty bars of chocolate here. Now, there are only three."

"Well, maybe Prongs ate them. Or Wormy. Or Frank. Or maybe even YOU!"

"Sirius let me smell your breath."

Sirius gulped and took a step back attempting to run for the staircase, but he seemed to have forgotten that Remus was a werewolf.

With one flying leap, Remus had tackled Sirius to the ground and had forced his mouth open and stuck his nose in.

"Yup." He said getting off of him. "Definitely ate them all. Your mouth smells like the inside of Honeydukes Sirius."

Sirius, grumbling, got off of the floor, muttering about how he can't trust anyone in this world.

"Anyways, since it's only-"Remus checked the clock on his bedside table. "4:30 in the morning, I do think I'll go back to sleep."

"NO! YOU CAN'T MOONY! I WON'T LET YOU!" Sirius grabbed Remus around his waist and dragged him back from his bed.

"Shut up Padfoot! You'll wake the entire house!" Remus hissed.

Sirius pouted. "But Moooooony, I have the _perfect_ prank to play on the Slytherins. And neither of you can back out!" he turned to James and Peter. "You know why? Because it won't happen without you Moony, Wormtail, you're small so nobody will pay attention to you and Prongs- are you really going to pass out an opportunity to prank Snivellus?"

"Exactly! It won't happen without me! Which is why I'm not doing it! I just got out of Three weeks detention from Josef just for simply BEING there when Avery broke his arm Padfoot!"

"But that wasn't your fault Remy! It's Josef's! He's the Slytherin loving teacher-we-did-nothing-to-deserve!"

"Well, if you hadn't so _conveniently_ arranged that Marble statue to fall on his arm, do you think I would've been in that mess?"

"I know Moony, we've been through this before, you did nothing and it was me! I even went to Josef to buy you out of detention! And do you know what he did? He told me to buzz out of other people's business!"

Remus sighed. "Fine. But I'm warning you, if I get into trouble for this, I will BITE you at the next full moon!"

Sirius grinned and turned to Frank.

"Care to join us Frankieboy?"

"No THANK YOU. Last time you guys pranked the Slytherins you all ended up with two weeks detention. If that happened to me, I'd be murdered by Alice."

And with that he snuggled under his covers again and in a matter of seconds was asleep.

Sirius muttered something about demanding, psycho girlfriends.

"Well boys, time to get planning." Sirius had that mischievous glint in his eyes. "Prongs get out your invisibility cloak and give it to Wormtail. Moony, get out the map. And Wormtail, get under the cloak and run down to the kitchens and bring as many of the slimiest, and stickiest foods you can hold…."

"Are you sure this is going to work Padfoot?"

They were in the Great Hall, eating breakfast.

"Of course Moony. Have ANY of our pranks EVER failed to succeed?" Sirius said grinning. "And don't be such a spoil-sport."

"I am NOT being a spoil sport!" Remus said huffing. "I'm only questioning the high possibilities of this prank going wrong!"

"Well, you're worrying, and that is spoiling the sport. Thus, spoil-sport."

"Guys, can you stop for a second? What time is this going to go off?" James whispered.

"In ten minutes Prongs. RIGHT Sirius? You did set the timer for a quarter to nine right?"

"Obviously." Sirius paused. "Well, I think so. Give or take a few minutes?"

"SIRIUS!" Peter, Remus, and James were glaring at him now.

"What?"

"We're doomed." Remus moaned.

"Relax Moony." James said soothingly. "How many times had this happened before? Besides, if we get caught, I'll worm your way out of detention, and not mine this time okay?"

"Sure, sure. Like THAT'S ever going to happen."

Sirius checked his watch. "Five minutes!" He was practically jumping down on his seat.

Just then,

"POTTER!"

Lily Evans was storming to where James was.

James gulped and turned around slowly to face the fuming red-head.

"Yes Lily dear?" he said nervously.

"Don't DEAR me." She spat.

"Then what seems to be the problem?"

"Problem? PROBLEM? I'll give YOU a problem! You know perfectly well what you did! Does eight pm to nine pm last night ring a bell to you!"

"I did many things between that hour Lily, so either tell me what you're talking about or stop leaving permanent damage to my eardrums."

"Yes Lils, he's right." Sirius was jumping up and down on his seat. Apparently the effects of the chocolate hadn't worn off yet. "I remember distinctly that he went to the loo at 8:15, and when he came back out, we had a pillow fight that I can't seem to remember the reason for, and after that, we got told off by Moony, and then he lectured us for being immature gits for so long that I think we might have fallen asleep at one point, and then after THAT h-"

"Shut up Sirius." Remus hissed. Lily was glaring at him now.

"How the bloody hell did you know when I went to the loo?" James asked narrowing his eyes.

"I dunno." Sirius shrugged.

"It's amazing how you remember the exact time when people go to the LOO, but when it comes to shoes, you always forget which one's supposed to go on your right foot."

"You're right there mate."

"Ahe-hem." Someone cleared their throat.

Sirius looked up to see a very, (and I mean VERY angry) Lily glaring at them.

"Lily! You're still here! I thought you'd left! Oh how I've missed you so!" Sirius jumped up and hugged Lily, and judging by the suffocated look on her face, he was hugging her very tightly indeed.

"Sirius….let…me…go…." She choked out.

"Oh no dear Lilykins, you deserve a great big hug for putting up with everything Prongs has done to you for the past six years. Personally, if I were you, I would've thrown him into the lake by fourth year. He can't swim, did you know that?"

"No I didn't. Thanks Sirius."

"Anything for you my dear Lily." He finally let go of her only to run after a blond Ravenclaw.

"NO PADFOOT! SHE'LL DROWN ME!" James called after him looking terrified.

"Drown you? DROWN YOU? Drowning you will seem almost pleasant and relaxing when I'm done with you!" she glared leaning towards him.

He backed up and cowered behind Remus. He peeked over his shoulder.

"But Lily, WHAT DID I DO?"

"What did you do? You used some sort of spell on McGonagall to make her make us partners for Transfiguration for the rest of the year that's what you did!"

James's eyes lit up like Christmas lights.

"Really? She partnered us up? FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR?" his face broke out into a huge grin. "This is going to be awesome!"

"NO, it'll be FAR from awesome when I' done with you. It'll be FAR from awesome when you're paralyzed from the neck down and forced to sit in a WHEELCHAIR for the rest of your life, only being able to open your mouth to sip your food from a STRAW." She said dangerously.

"Wheelchair?" he looked confused.

"A CHAIR ON WHEELS DIMWIT!"

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." James paused. "But honestly Lily, I had nothing to do with it. Not that I'm upset or anything bu-"

Lily gave him a death glare that could only mean one thing. If looks could kill, James would've been blasted to smithereens already.

James looked around. "Remus?" No one there. "Peter?" Across the hall. "Sirius?" Still talking up that blond from Ravenclaw. "Help? Anybody?"

"Oh no…" He whispered as Lily stalked forward.


	2. In the words of a head boy

DISCLAMER: I don't own the characters, setting, blah, blah, blah, period.

A/N: Um, yes. It's been a very, very, very long time since I've updated. But since its summer, I should be updating more often. So please, throw all virtual sharp pointy objects as you wish. I was working on the third chapter, but then I decided that I didn't like the second chapter, so I decided to redo it. Hopefully it's better than my first attempt. Enjoy!

**Chapter 2**

**In The Words of a Head Boy**

Previously:

"Oh no," he whispered as Lily stalked forward.

She leaned over him and grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him up so that their noses were almost touching.

James saw stars behind his eyelids as he inhaled her intoxicating scent. She smelled like all the wonderful things in the world mixed together; his personal love potion. Of course, he didn't exactly need to swallow love potion to be infatuated with Lily Evans.

"You will FIX this before I have to myself." She snarled, her emerald orbs gleaming dangerously. "And it will not be pretty if I have to clean up the mess that you made."

And with that she shoved him back with surprising force for a petite girl like her, and spun on her heel, causing her long red hair to tickle his nose as she stalked off to her original place, muttering obscenities under her breath.

"Ah," James sighed, closing his eyes. Her hair felt so soft on his face, he felt as if he would die and go to heaven if he smelt that hair one more time.

He smiled to himself as he daydreamed about smelling those luxurious locks all day long if she would only agree to go on a date to Hogsmeade with him.

He would pull her close and bury his nose in her mane of sweet smelling tresses and she would turn around, look up at him and-

"PRONGS!"

"What-?" James snapped out of his fantasy involving Lily, Quidditch, Lily, flying, and Lily.

Sirius huffed. "You never listen! Why don't you ever listen to me Prongs? I thought I was supposed to be your best friend!"

"You are mate."

"That's pretty hard to believe since you're off in Lily Land most of the time!"

"I am NOT!"

"Uh, YES, you are."

"WhatEVER Paddy." James snorted, sounding rather like a hippopotamus had taken lodging in his nostrils.

"AHA! So you admit it! You spend most of your time having dirty little fantasies about Lily!"

"I don't NOT have dirty fantasies!"

"Ah, yes, you-"

"BOYS!" Remus yelled.

They both snapped their heads to across the table.

"What?"

"I just wanted to say that IF Sirius was correct with the timing of the prank, it SHOULD go off in a minute."

"IF I'm correct? IF I'm correct it SHOULD go off? I thought you trusted me Moony!" Sirius wailed.

"I do Padfoot. Just not when you're high on sugar."

"Oh just admit it Moony! You don't trust me at all! You think something's going to go wrong! You think I can't handle simple magic!" Sirius sniffled.

"Hiding an invisible bundle of food in the air with and exact timer isn't considered simple magic Padfoot."

Sirius brightened up instantly.

"You think so Moony?"

"Yes."

"Yay!"

"Okay, you little girls, the timer should go off in ten seconds." James said.

"Ten, nine, eight, seven." Sirius whispered. "Six, five, four, three,"

James stubbed his toe of the wooden leg of the table in anticipation.

"OW!" He yelped.

"Two," Sirius whispered, slowing down dramatically.

"Be careful James." Remus commented almost lazily.

"One." Sirius finished.

Nothing happened.

"One?" this time, it was an in question form.

"See? I told you. You got the timing wrong!"

"Maybe Prongs' watch is wrong!"

"No, it's not. James' watch is exactly on time! It's a magical watch, not some Muggle cheap sake operated on batteries!"

"Batteries? What are batteries?"

James sighed and clamped his hand over his forehead, trying to ignore the throbbing in his big toe.

Just then, a big wallop of the stickiest and slimiest foods tumbled down onto the Slytherins' table. Fruit jellies, and chocolate éclairs and fritters and pies, and cakes all came tumbling down on the heads of the house.

After a couple of minutes, jut when things started to slow down, and batch of brownish and stinky liquid poured down. Covering everything in foul smelling slime.

The hall was silent for a few moments, before the Gryffindors and Ravenclaws started laughing, soon joined by the rest of the school. Some of the teachers even cracked a smile.

"Oh gross!"

"Slimy gits deserved it."

"Wonder who did it?"

"Probably those Marauders. They're behind every prank that's ever happened in this school."

"Sirius Black is so hot. Do you think he'll accept if I asked him to Hogsmeade next weekend?"

"No way. He's not about to date a fifth year."

"What about James Potter?

"Uh. I doubt he'd notice you. He's been chasing after Lily Evans for the past six years."

"What's so special about her?"

"Don't' ask me. It's a mystery."

"Was that anchovy sauce?"

"I think it was!"

Snatches of conversation were heard as the Slytherins attempted to clean themselves up and the Marauders roared with laughter.

"That was brilliant Wormtail! Was that really anchovy sauce?"

"Yes. You know how Stella is down in the kitchens. Always ready to 'Service the dear Marauder gentlemen.'" He finished with a terrible impersonation of Stella's squeaky voice.

"Ugh, I wish Kreacher was half as willing to help as Stella is. Bloody brilliant still."

"Thanks Sirius." As usual, Wormtail was always in awe by getting praised by his friends.

Sirius then turned to Remus.

"So, Moony, do you still think the prank was an utter failure?"

Remus opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by loud guffaws coming from James.

"Look at the look on Snivellus's face! It's priceless!"

They turned to look.

James was right. Snape's expression was a combination of anger, disgust, disbelief, and shock, and he attempted to wipe his hair and robes from the sticky residue of anchovy sauce and sticky sweets.

It only made them laugh harder. Even Remus was laughing.

"I've got to give this to you Padfoot. This one was really amazing." Remus said laughing.

"POTTER! BLACK! LUPIN!" McGonagall's voice carried through the hall.

"I take that back." Remus whispered.

"How come she always overlooks me?" Peter whispered.

"Dunno mate. But consider yourself lucky."

They were still laughing. Even Remus was having too much fun to be angry for them getting him into trouble. Again.

That is, until a suspicious shadow loomed over them.

McGonagall's lips were pressed into a thin line and anger was practically seeping out of her pores.

"You three." She pointed at James, Remus, and Sirius. "In my office. NOW!"

They looked at each other and shrugged. They stood up and followed her to her office, leaving Peter sitting wondering why people always overlooked him.

"A disgrace to the Gryffindor house! How dare you three do something to innocent students? What have they ever done to you?"

"Well, Minnie, it's more of the fact that they've been cursing us for the past six years, if you know what I mean." Sirius said matter of factly.

"AN UNWORTHY TRICK TO PLAY ON YOUR FELLOW PEERS! You two," she pointed at James and Sirius. "I would have expected it from you. But Mr. Lupin, I expected better of you. That is why you were chosen to be a prefect! I expected you to hold them back once in a while. But you shamelessly join in! As for you Potter, you're Head Boy, you should know better! You're supposed to be an idol for the younger students, not cause them to act like a bunch of bumbling baboons!

"What'll happen to you three when you leave? It's a cold and scary place out there! And with this war going on, what'll you do? You can't be a bunch of immature teenagers for the rest of your lives, you have to fight! Oh sure, you think fighting in war just means having quick reflexes and being able to wave your wand and say a couple of funny words, but that's not it! It's about sticking up for what you believe in! It's about the young people! The future of the wizarding world lies in your hands! Do you have any idea what a stupid prank it was to play on the Slytherins? They'll be looking for payback!"

"But Professor-"

"ENOUGH! You cannot carry on like this! You need to smarten up, pull your blasted trousers up, and mature. Who knows what one those 'simple prank' victims are going to do to you in a couple years? How do you know their means of revenge for embarrassing them are going to be harmless? How do you know you won't be hurt, or your loved ones?"

At this point, all three boys were in shock.

"Erm- Sorry?" Sirius squeaked.

"Ah, now you think sorry is going save your little behind from detention, don't you Mister Black?"

"Er-"Sirius looked around, deciding whether or not lying to an obviously enraged Professor. "No?" It came out as a question.

McGonagall shot him a look as if to say, _really?_

"No." Sirius hung his head in shame.

Remus sighed. "I'm sorry Professor. But may we get to class now? I should hate to miss another lesson." Always the perfect student, Remus was.

McGonagall narrowed her eyes, obviously torn between lecturing the boys some more, and letting them 'get to class'

"Very well." She said after a long pause. "Get to class."

They silently shuffled out off her office.

"At least she didn't give us detention." Sirius whispered, happy again as they walked out the door.

"And all see you all in my office tomorrow night at eight for detention." She called as she swung the door closed behind them.

"Spoke too soon mate" James said.

"Darn it." Sirius muttered.

"I am SO biting you at the next full moon Sirius." Remus hissed as they jogged to Potions.

"Ah come now Moony, you know you won't." Sirius the git was back, it seemed.

"Yes I will. Just watch me."


	3. Herman the Violent Dooster

**DISCLAIMER: The only things I own are mad, rampaging mutant creatures and the coolest Converse high-tops EVER.**

**A/N: Hello again! I find that this chapter is quite different from all my other ones, mostly because I was younger, and less mature, and much less experienced. I'm pretty happy with this chapter actually, so tell me what you think. Love it? Hate it? Needs improvement? Constructive Criticism is welcomed!**

_Previously: "Ah, come now Moony, you know you won't." Sirius the git was back it seemed. "Yes I will. Just watch me."_

**Chapter Three**

**Herman the Violent Dooster**

"You will not."

"Yes I will."

"Awwwwwww, Mooners, you wouldn't REALLY bite your best friend would you?" Sirius adjusted a rather horrid looking fruit basket type hat on his head.

"Yes I would." Remus continued, ignoring the _lovely _accessory Sirius had pulled out of his bag. "Especially since that so-called _best friend_ got me into trouble, and now that so-called _best friend_ will get me out of it, otherwise I will bite that so-called _best friend_ at the next full moon." Remus hissed.

Sirius's eyes widened gleefully. "Oooooooo, Prongsie, did you hear that?" He turned around to speak to James, "Moony's gonna bite you at the next full moon," Who, unfortunately, was nowhere to be found.

"Prongsie? PRONGS? WHERE ARE YOU?" He shouted down the hallway. "PRONGS, YOU BETTER NOT BE WANDERING THE HALLWAYS AGAIN PISS-DRUNK WITHOUT ANY PANTS ON WHEN I FIND YOU!"

"Sirius! When has James ever '_wandered the hallways piss drunk without any pants on?_'" Remus hissed, going slightly pink at the amount of students staring at them as they passed by.

Sirius smirked at Remus. "Ah, but you see, he _has._ You just don't remember. Besides, he needs to be warned that you're going to bite him, that'll just make him run back to us with his antlers between his testicles. Sheesh, Moony, and you call yourself the SMART ONE?"

Remus's jaw dropped. "I'm not going to bite _him_; I'm going to bite _you, _you bloody git." He said trying to keep his temper under control.

Sirius jaw dropped. "You- you- you're- gonna- gonna- BITE ME?" His stormy grey eyes went as wide as saucers, and his face went into pout mood. His lower lip trembled, and so did his hat.

"Oh no," Remus whispered, sensing a full-blown Sirius tantrum. "No, it's okay Padfoot, don't lose control, calm down, I didn't-"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Sirius wailed.

"No, no, please, Sirius, stop it, people are staring," Remus said desperately. "Oh, come on, I didn't mean it, _calm down Sirius, _stop it! Padfoot, PEOPLE ARE STARING!"

In fact, people were staring. A group of fifth year girls had stopped short in the hallway, their jaws on the floor.

"Is that Sirius Black howling?" one girl with pink knee socks whispered.

"So…..hot." her friend whispered.

"I know. Do you reckon he's like that in bed?"

"Oh what I wouldn't give to be able to answer that question….."

"And the hat. It brings out his eyes, don't you think?"

They continued to their next class giggling.

Poor Remus, his fruitless attempts at calming Sirius were saved by a loud crash of metal on marble floor.

"EEEEEEEP!"

"Oh Bloody Merlin, Wormtail….." Remus moaned, distressed by the proximity of his two friends landing in permanent wards at St. Mungo's.

"I'm alright, I'm fine, no need to worry about me," Peter squeaked, his efforts at untangling himself from the ruined suit of armor rather useless.

Remus sighed; muttering something about being the mother hen of the group, he picked Peter up by the armpits, causing another lovely symphony of the Armor Metals featuring the Groaning Pettigrew.

"Thanks…" Peter wheezed. "Remus, Lily is going to-

"WORMY!" Sirius sobbed dramatically, running over to Peter, grabbed him by his still dusty robes. "Wormy, Moony wants to bite me!" Sirius sobbed into Peter's robes.

"Shut up, Sirius! Peter's trying to tell me something!" This resulted in a hard kick aimed at Remus's shin.

"Er- does he now? She'll be-

"AND HE WANTS TO TURN ME INTO A GREAT BIG HAIRY WEREWOLF!"

"Erm-nice hat you've got there?"

"Sirius, _shut up!_ We're in a populated area!" said an exasperated Remus, rubbing his shin, silently cursing Sirius for the bruise he was going to get.

"How DARE you tell me to shut up you uncaring, mean, unkind piece of rotten apple pie!"

"Rotten apple pie?"

"Remus! Lily Evans is going to-"

"It tastes bad, and so do YOU Mooners!" Sirius ignored Peter's frantic whispers.

"I'm not food, you can't possibly know if I taste good or bad." Sirius had evidently distracted Remus from a more important matter.

"Yes, but you will if you bite me, and then I'll bite you, and I won't be Sirius-Black-the-sex-god. I'll be Sirius-Black-the-great-big-ugly-werewolf-who-likes-to-bite-like-count-dracula!" Sirius wailed.

"THAT'S BLOODY RIDICULOUS!" Remus finally lost control of his temper, grabbing Sirius by his arm. "Come on, move it. Let's get to class before I …"He trailed off as he caught sight of an all too familiar flash of red hair.

"See, I keep trying to tell you, Lily thinks that-" Peter had clearly given up trying to finish a sentence with Sirius around.

"Black!" Lily Evans growled, too angry to notice the fashion statement Sirius was sporting. "I know you're part of this; now tell me before I decide that I don't want a perfect record. _Where's. My. Bloody. Book bag?" _She held her wand under Sirius's chin, ready to hex him at any given moment.

"Eh?" Sirius's eyes roamed downwards, widening as he took sight of the slight piece of wood pointed at him.

"My book bag. The durable satchel that I use to carry around my notes, books, and quills. Where did you put it?" She hissed.

"What?" His eyes never left the wand.

She wacked him upside the head.

"Erm, Lily," Remus interrupted, figuring he should stop Lily from giving Sirius a mangled nose. "I suggest you don't do that. Sirius really can't afford to lose any more brain cells."

Sirius looked up at him. "What?"

"Congratulations Black," Lily said sarcastically. "You have finally expanded your vocabulary to two words." Considering it safe, she removed her wand.

Sirius visibly relaxed. "No, no, no, dear Lilykins, I have an amazingly vast vocabulary. I was just momentarily blinded by you extreme beauty."

Lily raised an eyebrow.

"Now, MOONERS-"Sirius began choking as a small yellow object flew into his open mouth. "QUACK!"

"Excuse-me?" Remus wrinkled his nose.

"QUACK!"

"Bloody Merlin," Peter's eyes were as wide as the moon.

"QUACK, QUACK, COCKIDOODLEDOOOOOOOOOO!" Sirius jumped up flapping his arms like a bird and waddling across the hallway, looking quite ridiculous with his attempt to accessorize with fruit.

"Sirius, are you feeling alright?"

"QUACK! CUCKLE CUCKLE COCKIDOODLEDOOOOOO! Moony! Help me- QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!"

"Help you quack? You're doing fine just on your own, Padfoot," Remus said, amused.

"COCK-E-DOODLE-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" His voice sprang up three octaves.

"Now, that is called hitting an impressive high note." James rubbed his ears.

"Shut up QUACK!"

"Quack, I don't think I've ever met him," James mused, tapping his wand against his chin. "Nice hat by the way, Padfoot. Those lumps of grey really bring out your eyes."

"You little QUACK COKADOODLE QUACK QUACK!" Sirius lunged at James while flapping his arms, knocking him and a suspicious pink book bag to the floor.

"Language Padfoot." James laughed, enjoying the view of _Black a la Duck Pond_ despite his pounding head.

"Moo-QUACK QUACK QUACK!" Sirius wailed, picking himself up off the floor, and continued waddling his way back to Remus.

"Oh for Merlin's sake!" Lily huffed, grabbing Sirius by the collar.

"Quack?"

Lily smacked the back of Sirius's neck.

"QUACK!" Sirius yelled in pain.

"Oh stop your bloody complaining you idiot! I'm trying to _help_ you." Lily said, smacking the back of Sirius's neck a few more times for good measure.

"COKA-BLEH!" Something of a weird cross between a duck and a rooster popped out of Sirius's mouth, performing a few impressive air flips before landing on the stone floor.

"Herman!" Lily yelped in surprise.

"Herman?" Four male voices repeated, this time a question.

"My pet." Lily answered, kneeling down and offering her palm to the mutant creature.

Herman responded by evidently frowning at Lily and waddled his way to Sirius, his overly large red comb flapping wildly.

"Herman! Where are you going? Come to Mummy!" Lily cried, crawling across the floor.

"Oh bloody hell; your mutant creature is in love with me!" Sirius yelled as Herman tried to climb his shoe.

"He is not a mutant creature, and he is not in love with you!" Lily cried. "Herman, come back here!"

"Hmph. Mummy. I will not be a father to that talon-possessed creature." James muttered under his breath, crossing his arms and narrowing his eyes.

"COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOOOO!" Herman crowed, obviously pleased with himself, now seated on Sirius's shoe.

"I vaguely remember reading somewhere that roosters crow to mark their territory," Remus mused.

"OH NOW THAT'S JUST GREAT! NOW I'M THE TERRITORY OF A BLOODY DOOSTER?" Sirius wailed.

"A dooster?" Peter questioned.

"I think he means duck slash rooster." James answered back.

"Shut _up_, Black! He belongs to me! I created him!"

"YOU SLEPT WITH A DUCK AND A ROOSTER AT THE SAME TIME?"

"No, you idiot! He used to be a toy! And I cast a spell on him so he would be a living creature!"

"Oh, bloody smart, Evans. You made him a living creature so he could try to KILL ME!"

"It's not my fault! If Potter hadn't stolen my book bag, he wouldn't have jumped out!" Lily rounded on James.

"So you noticed eh?" James said nervously, trying to nudge the said book bag with his foot behind a pillar.

"YOU! If you hadn't stolen my book bag, Herman wouldn't be under the impression that Sirius is his Mummy!" Lily jabbed James several times in the chest with her finger.

"WHAT?"

Lily sighed. "I guess being in your throat gave him the impression that he was in an egg, and now you're his mother. He thinks I'd stolen him from-"

"What a stupid dooster."

"Excuse-me?" Lily narrowed her eyes at Sirius, offended that he would call her creation stupid. "I honestly don't think you have the right to be calling, anyone, or anything stupid when you're wearing _fruit basket on your head._"

Sirius scoffed. "This is all the rage in Paris, thank you very much."

"Looking like a flock of blind and retarded monkeys have been using your head as their own personal toilet is the rage?"

Sirius gasped dramatically. "You did not just insult my fruit basket! Say sorry to my fruit basket!"

"I am NOT going to apologize to your MONKEY TOILET!"

"SAY IT! OR I WILL SPREAD WORD THAT YOU ENJOY BEING RAMPAGED BY ROOSTERS AND DUCKS!"

"I DON'T GIVE A BLOODLY OWL'S HOOT! I just want my Herman back!" Lily wailed

"And get to class?" James added hopefully, ignoring Sirius.

"I HAVE A FREE PERIOD! If I didn't, do you think I'd be standing here talking to you idiots?" Lily retorted. "Now, Herman, honey, if you don't come with me now, I will leave you to these people." Her sweet voice was dripping with malice.

Herman responded by looking pointedly over at Lily, ruffled his yellow feathers, and expertly peed on Sirius's shoe.

"OH MY DEAR SWEET PINK UNDERPANTS! IT'S LEAKING!"

"I think Herman made his choice here." James laughed.

Lily's hopeful face melted into something of anger in a span of a second. "Fine," She spat. "Just fine. Forget who brought you into this world, you fowl, ungrateful creature!" She whirled on her heel and stalked towards James. She stood at a standstill in front of him, looking close to tears.

James smiled and opened his arms hopefully, expecting a hug. Lily narrowed her eyes and slapped instead.

"I WANT MY BLOODY BOOK BAG, NOT A STUPID HUG POTTER!" She screamed at him, looking closer to tears than ever.

"Erm-Here?" James held up the fuzzy pink book bag which clashed horribly with her red hair as she grabbed from him, and stalked off.

"Nice going prongs," Sirius said sarcastically, "Now I'll NEVER figure out why she hates you so much."

"Sirius, there is a dooster trying to nest in your hat. Stop wriggling around so much." Remus said

"I do not wriggle, I merely-THERE'S A WHAT NESTING IN MY HAT?"

"A dooster. You know, Herman the dooster?"

"OH MY GEESE! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!" Sirius jumped around wildly, trying to shake poor Herman off his hat. "He can't ruin my hat, it cost me half of the gold in my Gringotts vault!"

"Sirius, don't be ridiculous!" Remus grabbed the rather distressed dooster from said hat, petting it affectionately before setting it on the floor. Herman thanked him by poking a hole in his finger. "GAH!"

"Phew," Sirius wiped the imaginary sweat off his forehead. "That was close; I don't have enough gold to buy myself another one."

"Buy yourself? You stole this one from Dumbledore's office the last time we were there you git." James reached out to grab Herman.

"I didn't _steal,_ I am _borrowing_ it." Sirius scoffed, holding his chin up.

"And when exactly are you planning to _return_ it?

"Return?" Sirius looked as shocked as he sounded.

"Yes, Sirius, when you _borrow_ something, you must _return _it."

"When have I ever returned the chocolate I've borrowed from Moony?"

"You ATE all of my chocolate?" Remus momentarily stopped sucking on the blood spewing on his finger to yell at Sirius.

"I never said I ate your chocolate, I said I borrowed it!" Sirius yelled back. "Why is your finger bleeding?"

"Because your bloody dooster thought it would be funny to peck a hole in it!"

"MY dooster! Since when is it mine?" Sirius retorted.

"Since you decided to swallow it!"

"I didn't SWALLOW it, it JUMPED DOWN MY THROAT!"

"For your information, an object will not go down the human throat unless the human in question voluntarily relaxes their throat muscles! Therefore, you willingly tried to eat Lily's dooster didn't you?"

Sirius went pink in the face. "I thought it was a chicken wing, OKAY?"

"AH! YOU BLOODY DOOSTER! WHY'D YOU DO THAT FOR?" Apparently, James had decided pull at Herman's wattle, causing Herman to kick at James's face.

"SEE?" Sirius yelled, pointing at the mutant bird, "He should be put down! He is causing all of us pain! We should cook him over a roasting fire and season him with salt and pepper!"

"Sirius, we are not going to eat your pet." Remus said from bandaging his finger.

"HE IS NOT MY OLD UNCLE BRIEFS PET!"

"Well, be reasonable. Lily clearly doesn't want him anymore, and you're the only one he hasn't hurt yet. And we really can't leave him running around the castle."

"NO!"

Remus ignored Sirius. "Just err- be careful while in your animagus form. You might try to eat him."

Sirius brightened up instantly. "Good idea Moony."

Remus sighed and shook his head. "That was not a suggestion. That was a warning."

"Do I look like I care?"

"Ugh, Padfoot, just take him. He can't be all that bad." James said.

"Why don't YOU keep him?" Sirius retorted, crossing his arms over his chest.

James raised an eyebrow, and walked purposefully towards Herman. "Come along Herman. Daddy's got a nice treat for you." He cooed as he knelt down to pick him up by the neck.

However, before her had the chance to, Herman spun around, his comb flapping, and fixed a beady eye on James.

"QUACK! COCKADOODLEDOOOOOOOOOO!" Herman jumped, attaching himself to James's face by hooking each of his webbed feet around James's nose.

"!"

Peter toppled over his own feet in shock.

"OB BA BERLIN!" James screamed, quite unable to breathe as Herman began frantically pecking the skin on the bridge of his nose, knocking his spectacles askew in the process. "GET BIS BOBSTER OFF OB BEE! OUCH!"

Remus grabbed Herman's neck and began pulling him away from James, but those webbed feet had locked themselves in James's nostrils.

Sirius began giggling hysterically.

"Sirius! Shut up and help me!"

"And why should I Moony?" Sirius asked slyly.

"Because your stupid dooster is trying to kill your best friend!"

"GAH, IB HURBS!" Was James's response. "HELB BEE!"

"You didn't have that same reaction when it tried to kill ME!" Sirius jabbed a finger at his chest. "Ouch. That hurt." He muttered to himself.

"Oh for MERLIN'S SAKE! You were quacking like a duck and crowing like a rooster AT THE SAME TIME! What would you have done if it were me?"

"I would have laughed my arse off and tell stories to Minnie about the bloke who lost his mind." Sirius said proudly. "Oh wait," He trailed off, looking dejected.

"EXACTLY! NOW STUN THE BLOODY ANIMAL!"

"I CAB BREEEEEEEEEED!" James yelled back, looking quite purple.

"Oh! Help him Sirius!" Peter squeaked, looking quite petrified.

"Right." He whipped out a rather bent looking wand. "_Stupefy!" _

Herman slumped backwards; making it look like James had just snorted him out. Remus gently pried his webbed feet from James's nostrils, and James let out a deep breath.

"Ahhhhhhhhh," He sighed in relief, and then winced as his hand touched the deep scratches Herman had made. "That, Sirius, is why I can't take Herman for myself."

Sirius sighed, and grabbed Herman from Remus's hand. He narrowed his eyes as he took in the un-conscious figure. "You better not give me any trouble, you dooster. You hear me?" He poked him with his bent wand, and he promptly dumped him in his hat. "Sweet dreams Herman."

"What's up with the bent wand?" Remus asked, straightening his robes.

Sirius smirked. "The result of doing naughty things to that sexy Ravenclaw in the fourth floor broom closet."

"Oh no," James moaned. "That's the broom cupboard I always imagined spending the night with Lily."

Sirius's smirk grew more pronounced. "Oh ho! So you admit you have dirty fantasies about a devious red head in our year!"

Peter's brow furrowed. "Abigail Woodbine?"

Sirius gasped. "Prongs! You've been deceiving us! You said you loved Lily!"

"Oh sweet grandmother's apple pie," Remus hit his palm to his face. "Since when has Abigail been a natural red head? She was a blond last week remember? And a brunette the week before that."

"OH HO!" Sirius yelped happily.

"Ho ho ho ho ho," James muttered under his breath, looking dejected.

"What?" Remus asked.

"Since when do you notice a certain Hufflepuff's hair colour? I think Mooners is IN LURRRRRRVE!" Sirius yelled.

"Quack?" Herman questioned, awake again.

"Oh Hermy! You're awake! Did you hear the news? MOONY IS IN LOVE!"

"QUACK!" Herman responded.

"Yes, I agree!"

Remus looked pointedly at Sirius. "She's in Ravenclaw."

"OH HO!"

"Sirius, I _swear_, if you say that one more _bloody time-"_

"QUACK QUACK COCK-I-DOODLE-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Herman jumped up happily, pleased to find himself in Sirius's hat.

"SHUT UP HERMAN!"

"_Quack." _Herman said dangerously.

"That's right Herman." Sirius cooed, "Show Uncle Moony your lurrrrve."

"Right. Sorry." Remus apologized, his blue eyes flashing, clearly pissed.

"Erm, gentleman?" James pulled at his collar.

"What?" Three voiced shouted, one agitated, one cunning, and one amazed.

"BOYS!" McGonagall's voice reached them like sharp knives, her emerald robes swished around her feat as she turned around the corner.

"Ah, Hullo Minnie!"

"What, exactly, do you four think you are doing?" Her lips were as thin as a pencil line. "And _what,_ exactly, Mr. Black, is on top of your head?

"A fruit basket hat, DUH. It's all the rage, in Paris, haven't you heard?" Sirius boasted proudly.

"No, _that. _That mutant cross animal." She pointed at Herman, who in turn ruffled his comb and _quacked_ a few times as if to prove the professors' point.

"Well, see Professor, that was what we were trying to figure out," Remus stuttered nervously. "Li-"

"We-found-him-lurking-the-hallways-and-he-had-a –broken-wing-so we-thought-we-would-take-care-of-him-until-he-becomes-better." James finished in a rush, glaring at Remus.

"Oh?" McGonagall narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "And may I see his broken wing?" She reached out to grab him, but Sirius clutched his hat, and sprang back.

"NO!"

"Excuse-me?" She looked rather taken back.

"Er- um," Sirius looked rather flustered, "You see-"

"He's a violent creature. He likes to chomp." Peter squeaked miming chomp.

"YES!" Sirius yelled, looking relieved.

"He's a _chomper _alright." Remus agreed nervously.

"Yes!" Sirius grabbed Remus's bandaged finger and James's scratched up nose and pulled them toward McGonagall's face, much to many protests from the victims in question.

"Yeb, violeb creature he ib." James, said, his nose clogged up, and wincing in pain everytime Sirius pulled at his nose, to give McGonagall different angles of the bleeding scratches to look at.

"Yes he is." Remus said unconvincingly. "Ouch, Sirius, my finger is not silly putty. You cannot twist it backwards over itself."

"Are you sure about that?" Distracted, Sirius attempted to prove Remus wrong.

"YEOW!"

"Oh. Oops. Sorry Mooners."

"Hmph." McGonagall adjusted her square rimmed spectacles. "Well, it seems as though your pets' wing has healed itself hasn't it?"

Sirius reached up to grab the flapping Herman from his hat. "NO! It's a miracle!"

"A miracle indeed." Remus muttered, massaging his dislocated shoulder.

The tired professor rubbed her eyes beneath her glasses.

"Erm, can we go to class now?" Peter squeaked hopefully.

She sighed. "Make them go away," She muttered under her breath. "Go." She said out loud.

James's jaw dropped. "No detention?"

"SHUT UP PRONGS!" Three voices shouted.

McGonagall smirked. "I didn't say that. You're fifteen minutes late to class. You think your teacher is going to let you get away?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Minnie, Minnie, Minnie. You sneaky little wh-" Remus clapped a hand over Sirius's mouth before he could utter his next words.

"Mphle mphmn!" Sirius shouted against Remus's hand.

McGonagall's eyes narrowed into slits and her face went red as though she knew _exactly_ what Sirius's next words were going to be.

The boys cowered before her as though she was several feet taller than them.

"Sirius, I swear I will _kill_ you one of these days," Remus whispered angrily.

"And I will help him bury your remains," James hissed.

"CLASS!" McGonagall barked.

"EEP!" Peter's squeak was all the encouragement the boys needed to run to class with their tails between their legs and their hands clutching their fruit basket hats holding terrified doosters.

"James, I'm holding your word to that last comment!" Remus yelled as they ran.

"NO RUNNING IN THE CORRIDORS!" Came McGonagall's far off cry.

They slowed down as Sirius panted, "Oh get over it gentlemen, as least she didn't give us detention again."

James smirked. "Yes, Moony, I think we _can _get over it." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively with a pointed look towards Herman."

"What?" Sirius was shocked. "That was EASY." His lips curled into a smile. A pause and then-"WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"Us?" Remus said, feigning innocence. "We didn't do anything. However, Herman has seemed to agree with Lily in the concept of your hat being a toilet."

Said Hat Boy's eyes widened, and he sniffed the air, wrinkling it in disgust as he smelled Herman's perfume. "BAD HERMAN!" He yelled. "And I was becoming fond of you!"

"QUACK." Herman looked rather pleased with himself, and jumped down from the hat unto Sirius shoulder.

"You're enjoying this aren't you?" Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Bloody dooster." He muttered, much to the amusement of his friends.


	4. Breeleyant' Plans

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing…..except for my purple polka dotted elephants. And Herman! HERMAN THE DOOSTER IS MINE! MUWAHAHAHAHA!**

**A/N: Well, so much for lots of updates after vacation. It turned out, near the end of my month long vacation; I needed a vacation from my vacation. Odd isn't it? Well, here's the new chapter, tell me what you think!**

**Chapter Four**

'**Breeleyant' Plans**

"Rite. Genteeelmen, I 'af come up veet anoder von ov moi breeleyantly breeleyant plans." Sirius straightened his horrid hat, speaking in an equally horrid French accent.

James squinted his eyes at the poor boy, just a little frightened. "You're not drunk again, are you mate? I haven't forgotten the time you thought my t-shirt would be a great mop for the floor you used as a toilet."

Sirius gasped dramatically. "Ze boi eesulted moi! I vaz not a leeve-lez drunk! You deedent need zat shirt and moi needed a mop." He popped his lips at the letter _p._

"Have you lost your marbles Padfoot? I _was wearing that shirt._" James said after a long pause in which the students sitting close to them turned around to stare disgustedly.

"And eet waz a very ooglie shirt indeed. I deed us bote a fa'vor."

"Says who?" James was livid. The shirt that Padfoot ruined just happened to be the shirt on which Lily had passed germs unto via sneezing on it.

"Says Serieux! Ze grate fasheeon arstiste!" Sirius flung his arms above his head to from a giant _v._

"Yes, you've definitely got more than a few screws loose."

"I don't think he has James." Remus raised an eyebrow.

"I think you've got a couple screws loose too, Moony."

"No, seriou- I mean really." Remus quickly corrected himself in case Sirius was in the mood for over used puns, "He's done his homework."

"What?" James couldn't believe his ears. "Since when do the words Sirius Black and Homework belong in the same sentence?"

"Since now. He translated his name to French."

"_What_?" James said again.

"Yees I 'af genteelmen. NOW LEESEN TO MOI BREELEYANT PLAN!"

James snorted. "Does this 'breeleyant' plan of yours involve one of us ending up in the hospital wing with our ears attached to the bottoms of our feet, Sirius?" He flicked his wand expertly at the three legged stool in front of him, where it promptly turned into a long-eared furry problem.

"Boooollocks. Zat voz a vontime accidant. Eef you 'ad just leesened to me and deed as I asked, eet vood 'af never 'appened." Sirius scoffed.

"Your brain runs on Moony's secret stash of chocolate. A mentally disabled cockroach high on Firewiskey wouldn't listen to you." James flicked the fruits on Sirius's hat back and forth with the tip of his wand.

Sirius smirked and slapped James's wand away. "You ar forgetteeng ze most eemportant ting Prongsie. Ze female populaseon falls 'at moi feet. Zey leesen to moi. Zey veel do anyting for moi at ze snap of moi sexy feegerz." Sirius said proudly, "Eesen't zat right 'Erman?" He cooed at the ugly dooster pecking at his ear.

"QUACK," Was Herman's response.

"I new you'd agree veet moi."

"To the bugger they will. You're forgetting, Padfoot, that I also have my own personal fan-club."

"Yes, I've 'eard Mrs. Norris eez quite eenfatuated veet you."

"Shut _up_ Sirius. I have girl-fans." James said unconvincingly.

"I hate to break this to you Prongs," Remus offered James's rabbit a few nibbles. "But the whole school knows you're madly in love with Lily. These things don't tend to make you more attractive to the opposite gender. They more or less make you seem like a taken man, and very few women will stoop so low to go after you. Your fan club more or less disappeared after you declared your love for Lily to the whole school back in fourth year. "

"BULLOCKS!"

"A little louder James. I think there were a couple of penguins down in Antarctica who didn't hear you."

"ZE PENGUEENS! Moi new eet! Zey veel be moi next mas'er peese!" Sirius hissed excitedly.

"Mr. Potter!" Professor McGonagall shouted. "Control yourself!"

"Yeees Prongs, _control yourselve._" Sirius giggled madly as if there was an inside joke James didn't know about. "Pengueens." He whispered once more, looking left and right, looking quite mad.

"Yes Professor." James called back, and wacked Sirius upside the head.

"Oooh! _Ma tête! _Zees 'ead veel be cre'ateeng vat veel be ze next raje een Paree! Eet veel be cre'ateeng yoor vardrob for ze next tree years! Eet vee-"

"You deserve the pain. It might make the marbles of your brain come rolling back." James interrupted sourly, clearly still miffed.

"Don't worry Prongs, there are probably still a couple of slags around that just want your body and don't care who you like." Peter's attempt to cheer up James was hopeless.

James glared at Peter. "You really think I'd stoop that low Wormtail?" There was a hint of malice in his voice as he reached over and tucked wand under Peter's chin, ready to curse.

"No, no, no!" Peter's voice rose on an octave on every _no_. "I didn't mean it like that Prongs! I just meant that you are still attractive to many girls even though your heart is taken!" He nervously edged the wand away from himself.

Remus let out an exasperated sigh and slapped his palm against his forehead. "Idiots." He muttered to himself.

James brightened up instantly. "You really think so Wormy?" He sat back, twirling his wand excitedly.

"I know so." Peter lied. The truth was he had no idea.

"Hmph. I'll bet anyone ten galleons today will end in disaster." Remus muttered to the rabbit.

Sirius grinned broadly. "I veel bet you tventee seex galleonz today veel end een love."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Make it thirty."

Sirius's eyes narrowed. "Tirtee ees my unlookie numb'er. I veel not bet tirtee. I veel bet anyting but tirtie, I veel-"

"Fine. Twenty six and whoever loses has to give Benji Clearwater a kiss and a love letter." Remus leaned back in his chair, a smirk on his face.

"I veel bet tirtie."

"Done." Remus smiled and reached over and shook Sirius's frightened hand.

"No kees." Sirius shook back.

"No kiss." Remus agreed, knowing he would be twenty six galleons richer by tomorrow morning.

"Well, for all of your information, I have complete faith in James and whatever his plan is to use slags." Peter said nervously.

"Perfect." James cackled, drumming the tips of his fingers together like a madman. "We are a team of two Wormtail."

"What for?" Remus asked suspiciously, reaching into his pocket for more nibbles.

"Lilies are jealous flowers. They reject the sun until another flower blooms out and takes the light away. It's only then that they want the sun." James said looking quite proud.

"Vat. De 'ell. Does a leelee flover 'af to doo veet Leelee ze red'ead?" Sirius narrowed his eyes.

"No, you git. It has everything to do with it! All I have to do is to get a slag to pretend to date me, and bada-bing, bada-boom! Lily will come running to me!"

"Leelee ze flover or Leelee ze personne?"

"The girl you moron."

"Zat's nev'er going to vork Prongsie-boy. Ze point eez zat Leelee 'ates your guts, and a slag eesn't goeeng to make 'er fall een love veet you, eet veel make 'er 'ate you more." Sirius said with a wave of his hand. "And I am choozing to eegnor zat deesgustteng coment. "

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeeees."

James snorted. "You're supposed to say 'yeah' you wanker."

"No aym not."

"Yes you are. It's how it goes."

"Reelly now,"

"Yes."

" I don't tink so Prongs. Ven vaz ze last time I vas wrong and you ver rig't? Ven vaz-" He didn't get a chance to finish his sentence as Herman the dooster abandoned nibbling on Sirius's fungus infested grapes and hopped down onto Remus's hand from which the rabbit was feeding off of.

"OUCH! You bloody dooster! You scared the rabbit!" Herman had evidently decided that rabbit nibbles were tastier than rotten grapes. James's rabbit was now hiding behind Remus's back, a little pink scratch appearing on her nose.

"Oh, Moonerz, just geev 'eem some neebbles to zee bloody dooster. 'E's ruining moi 'at." Sirius sniffed at the half eaten fruits, finally distracted.

"Sirius, be reasonable. He'll choke." Remus held his closed fist up in the air, much to Herman and the rabbits' disappointment.

Sirius flicked a strand of ebony hair out of his eyes with a finger. "Veech veel do us all a favor, moi sure. Did you pea-'eads conseeder ze sleeping arraangemants yet?"

James sighed and clapped his hand on his forehead. "We can't kill Lily's pet. She'll kill us all." His eyes widened in fear at the end.

Sirius let out an evil cackle. "No, no, no Prongsie, Leelee-darling veel keel _you._" He rubbed his hands together maniacally.

James narrowed his eyes. "What are you on about?"

"Ee's my breeleyant plan Prongstopia. Vel, 'after moi plan to make ze pengueen ze raaaaj of Paree and all colzets."

"Excuse me?"

"My breeleyant plan to get Leelee to reelee fall madly in love veet you of course. If you vood just geev me ze Marauder vote to cerry on." Sirius said matter-of-a-factly.

"NO! ABSOLOUTLY NOT!" Remus shouted, still trying to get the nibbles away from Herman while sneakily giving them to the delighted rabbit.

"UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!" James yelled, knocking his chair over as he stood up.

"Never in a million years!" Peter squeaked, always agreeing with majority, not reason.

"Vy not?" Sirius drawled.

"GENTLEMEN! Settle down now!" McGonagall called from across the room. "I am aware of the fact that all of you are successful at most of our spells, however, that doesn't give you a reason to act like a bunch of baboons!"

"Sorry Professor." The four boys said in unison, one sheepish, one guilty, on terrified, and one cocky.

As soon as McGonagall turned her back on them, they resumed their argument in hushed whispers.

"There is no way in hell I am allowing you to land me in the Hospital wing with body parts attached to the wrong body parts again Padfoot." James hissed.

"I 'already told you, zat vos a vontime accident. Eet von't 'appen again." Sirius grabbed Herman by the neck and plopped him in his hat. "'Ere you go you bloody dooster, now stop bozering moi amis."

"QUACK."

"No one said you did it on purpose Sirius." Remus picked up the rabbit and set her on the table again. "The problem is that accidents tend to be a package deal with your 'breeleyant' plans."

"And zat von't 'appen anymore, because moi plan eez fool-proof zees time." Sirius clapped his hands together delightedly.

"Do tell Padfoot." Peter squeaked.

"I am not singing in front of the whole school again Sirius." Remus grumbled.

Sirius waved a hand in the air. "No, zer von't be any of zat." He said smugly. "Ze star of zees plan is 'Erman here." He tickled Herman's plume fondly.

James narrowed his eyes, causing his the edges of his spectacles to dig into his cheeks. "Continue."

One side of Sirius's mouth curved upwards into feral smirk. "I vasn't joking ven I said ve're going to feed 'Erman neebbles."

"Sirius, I already told you. We. Can. Not. Kill. Lily's. Pet. If he was yours to begin with, it would be a different story." Remus sighed.

"Ve're not actually going to keel 'im Mooners. You and moi are going to only preetend keel 'Erman 'ere, and Prongs veel preetend save 'Erman, thus Leely veel realize zat 'e eez not a balloon-'eeeded geet and she veel fall madly in love veet 'im." Sirius beamed at them all.

"That's never going to work." Remus said at once.

"Ov coorse eet veel. Vee are not manoopoolateeng veet Leelee, vee are joost 'elping 'er along."

"What's the catch?" James didn't look convinced.

"Vat catch?"

"The part where you tell me that I have to scrub your shoes with my toothbrush for a month for you do this."

Sirius's smirk widened into a devilish smile. "No catch Prongs. I'm only dooeeng zees out ov ze goodness ov moi 'eart. Zat, and an excuse to get you off ov our backs aboot Leelee."

A pause, and then-"The catch comes after the plan is done right?" James sighed, knowing the routine.

"Ze usuall oat een front ov ze fyre place at meednyte."

"I knew it."

"Yes, you 'are a smart leetle boi Prongsie poo." Sirius said airly. "So, ar you veeling to geev eet a chanse?"

James ran a hand through his ever messy locks, his suspicious expression never relaxing. "I'm willing to give it a try."

Sirius cackled, clapping his hands together.

"Why are you so desperate James?" Remus asked. "Really, you know perfectly well yourself the odds of this plan _not_ going haywire."

"Shut your nev'ver-bean-keessed trap Mooners."

"Put down your never-been-cleaned nose Sirius."

"AH! Anozer eensoolt to ze grayt Serieux! I cannot believe eet!"

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Is that your clever way of confusing me?"

Sirius looked at Remus with weary eyes. "Vel eet vorked decedent eet?"

Remus frowned. "I'm not happy about this Sirius."

"You don't 'ave to be. You just 'ave to play along. Like ven I preetended I deedn't no ver your seecret stash of cho-co-late vas vile seecretly eeting eet every night."

"I think it could work." Peter said helpfully, biting his lip and knowing full well that it would end in disaster.

Sirius smiled broadly. "See Moony? Tree against von. You loos again moi friend."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Yes, sanity lost once again to idiocy." He muttered.

"Vat?" Sirius put his hand around his ear.

"Nothing. Nothing at all." Remus grumbled.

"Perfect!" Sirius clapped his hands together rapidly, reminding Remus of a chipmunk on caffeine. "'Are you redy to ROCK AND ROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL?" He howled, a poor imitation of the muggle rock bands he'd recently gotten attached to.

"MR. BLACK!"

"I'm just about ready to drop, roll, and hide under a rock if that's what you mean," Remus moaned quietly.

"MEENEE! Deed I tell you 'ow exceptionally lov-ely your 'air looks tooday?"

James raised an eyebrow, eyeing McGonagall's usual tight bun.

"I think you just made the situation a lot worse mate," James whispered to Sirius as McGonagall came towards them, her lips set in the thinnest line the boys ever seen.

"Prongs, I tink you may bee right."

Sirius slammed his book bag down on the Gryffindor table, a stony expression on his face.

James looked up. "How bad was it?" He plopped a grape in his mouth.

"Three weeks worth of detentions, the confiscation of my hat, and a three-foot long essay on the purposes of behavior rules in the classroom." His stormy grey eyes had clouded over, and his lips were set in a deep frown, his mock accent gone.

"Don't look like that Sirius. You had it coming anyhow; the hair comment just shot the canon mate." James chewed on his grape carefully.

"Look on the brightside. At least you're speaking normally now." Remus piped up helpfully.

Sirius stared at him, his mouth in a pout. "Ze grayt Serieux 'az tayken a vacaseyon."

Remus rolled his eyes.

"Why would she give you three weeks? That's harsh, even for McGonagall." Peter said, his mouth full of stew.

" Because she doesn't know the difference between adding and subtracting. She had it at two weeks, and when I told her I'd takenher to Hogsmeade if she agreed to knock off a week, she added by mistake." Sirius said indifferently.

Remus's jaw dropped at the same time that James started choking on his grape.

"Actually, she even added on a double week for winking. Yes, make it four." His expression turned thoughtful momentarily.

"Are you bloody stupid?" James spluttered flying bits of grape at Peter.

"Do you never learn?" Remus wacked James on the back a few times.

"Ew." Peter ignored them, now eyeing the pieces of chewed up grape lodged in his hair.

"What?"

"Do you even realize what you did you git?" Remus hissed.

"What did I do?"

"I hope you're not hoping to get higher than T on your NEWTS Sirius." Remus said dangerously. "Or be alive to even write them for that matter."

"Why wouldn't I be alive? We all know the only reason McGonagall gives me so much detention is because she wants to get into my pants. " Sirius bragged.

"WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT MCGONAGALL WOULD WANT YOU TO TAKE HER TO HOGSMEADE?"

"Hey! Convincing Dumbledore to take her to Hogsmeade was my next retreat if she hadn't thrown me out of her classroom!"

"YOU STUPID MORON!" Remus shouted.

"Calm down Mooners, I've gotten more detention at once then this. Instead of supporting me in my time of need you yell at me some more?" Sirius rose to his full height, a good five inches taller than Remus.

"Yes, you bloody idiot! You just landed yourself a month of detention because you just couldn't keep your tongue from twirling and your mouth shut! And now you're going to complain for the next four weeks about 'Oh! I have Quidditch! Moony, use Polyjuice to make yourself look like me, and then show up at my detention!' or 'Yeah! I have a date tonight Moony, do my essay for me!'" Remus huffed, his blue eyes flashing red momentarily.

"But that's what friends are for Mooners, they allow you to be in two places at once!"

Remus sighed, and rubbed his face and gave up the shouting, knowing that Sirius would never understand. "Fine then. Be _happy_ about a month of detention with McGonagall. But I'm warning you right now, I am not going to detentions for you, I am not going to write your essay, and I _am most definitely not_ going to sneak into McGonagall's office to get your hat for you."

"Fine." Sirius huffed, and twitched his chin as he deepened his pout, trying to get Remus to backtrack.

"That's not going to work on me Sirius." Remus crossed his arms, looking almost bored.

"FINE." Sirius plopped himself down, and stuffed a chicken sandwich in his mouth. "Eef." He said, his mouth full.

Remus raised an eyebrow, daring him to say more.

"So," Peter said trying to break the tension. "What time is the Marauder Ritual tonight?"

"Are you stupid Wormtail?" Sirius asked, looking bored.

"Er-No?" Peter squeaked.

"What time is the usual ritual?"

"Erm, midnight?"

"So why would it be any different this time?"

"I-I don't know."

Sirius sighed. "Oh Wormy, what will you ever do without me?"

"Er-I would shrivel up into an edible snack for the Giant Squid?" Peter asked hopefully.

Sirius clapped Peter on the back hard enough to send him toppling into the pudding. "That's right, Wormy, that's right." He said with a bored expression.


End file.
